Though He Slay Me... (part 2)

I was so angry with God, but afraid to say it out loud. Is it okay to angry with God? Will He strike me down if I admit it to anyone? The bible tells me in several places to 'pour out my heart', but my heart didn't have anything nice to say to Him. Why is He putting my family through this trauma? Why is my newborn son's life hanging in the balance after waiting ten years for another child?

WHY?!

My son was born on June 13th and I was having this conversation with myself in my first full shower on June 15th in the parent's room at SickKids hospital in Toronto. The neonatologist had visited us this same evening to discuss the findings of his assessments and tests so far. The doctor's best guess was that our son had suffered a stroke during birth - because he was big and came fast. The only test remaining to complete was an MRI, which would be completed that night. We would have confirmation on a diagnosis within 24 hours, but we needed to be prepared for the possibility that our baby would not breath on his own, may never walk or come out of a constant seizure state.

How does a parent sleep after a conversation such as this? I can tell you, there is no sleeping.

We could visit our boy anytime we wanted, 24hours a day. He was on such heavy medications, including three seizure drugs, that he was unconscious. The many tubes and wires that were attached to him made it difficult to touch him and he was very swollen from many needle pricks and fluids he had received. All this, and the machine doing the breathing for him, he looked more like a robot than a baby.

The next 24hour wait is very much a blur in my mind. I know I ate, because my dad and his wife came and brought food to us. I know I walked around the hospital, because I remember feeling great resentment about how cheery they had made the environment (I wanted my surroundings to be just as black as I felt). I know my husband was at my side the entire time, because I remember holding his hand almost constantly. What I don't remember is talking, or thinking, or acknowledging anything. Both my husband and I were living in a fog.

For as much as we, as parents, were being drawn through the 'valley of death', our little Duck was having a hard time, too. In some ways it was harder for her because she was not at the hospital with us. She was seperated from her entire family and had little information other than her new baby brother was very sick. We were trying to protect her from the worst, but she is far more intelligent than we were giving her credit for being - she already had started praying for a miracle.

We finally reached the next evening and the neonatologist returned to our room, bringing the social worker and the duty nurse with him. This, to me, was a sign that he wanted extra support for the negative news he was about to deliver. He drew a picture of a brain to show us what had been discovered from the tests. Our son had suffered a brain bleed in the left ventricle of his brain. The blood that had collected in the ventricle had caused the seizures and some brain damage could be seen on the wall of the ventricle.

He raised his head to look at us and said, "this is far better news than a diagnosis of stroke".

What? This is good news?

The doctor continued to explain that the bleed had stopped on it's own and the blood would also reabsorb on it's own - our bodies are made to work that way. The damage was a small area on the wall of the ventricle that may affect our boy's right sided motor skills and his vision (they know this because the brain is mapped out very well). However, because he is just newborn, there may not be any noticeable affect. As he grows and learns to grab and walk and use his right side, he may simply adapt to any weaknesses and develop normally.

Yes...this was much better news than a stroke, which would have damaged a much larger portion of his brain. The doctor smiled at us and said, "I'm glad my initial assessment was wrong."

At this point, my nurse brain snapped back on - I started asking about care plans, future therapy, reductions in medications, etc. It didn't take me long to move past the dark world that I had been living in and move to a place of hope again.

It took a little longer to reconcile my feelings toward the Lord. The prayer of thanks was immediate, but I didn't have the answer to my 'why?' question. In the end, I have concluded that we are 'vessels of clay' and He will 'have mercy on whom He will have mercy.' I serve a soveriegn God and although I don't understand the purpose in this event, I simply accept that He had a purpose - and I may never know what it was.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than you thoughts. Isaiah 55:8&9

To make the final part of the story short, our little man spent three weeks in SickKids before being transferred back to the first NICU where his seizures started. He stayed in that hospital for another two weeks and then CAME HOME! He came home with a feeding tube in place, but he was bright eyed and active. That activity has shown that his right arm and leg are strong and moving just as much as his left side!

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

I will expound on some of the details that I've skipped over here (including a commentary about why I still don't support socialized medicine). However, with a newborn boy keeping me busy at home - the posts may be slow in getting out.

Meet 'Hoss':

And the best babysitter I could ever have:

Though He Slay Me... (part one)

When expecting a child, most women daydream of the time they hold their new little one in their arms. To be able to gaze into your newborn's eyes, count ten fingers and ten toes. These anticipations are the thoughts that come at the end of a pregnancy - at least, that's where my thoughts were before June 13th of this year. My son was born that day. Just five days overdue.

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. in labour and woke the rest of my family by 2:30 a.m. to get ready to go to the hospital. After phoning the OB nurse at that same time, my water broke and we quickly headed out the door. Only a short labour period past and my son was born at 3:57 a.m. - that's only 2 1/2 hours from beginning to end. Some women with long labours may be impressed, even jealous at this expediency. Don't be, it was not a good thing.

Our handsome boy weighed in at 9lbs and 6 1/2 oz, 22 inches long. He was very bruised about his head because of the speed he came through the birth canal. Immediately, the medical staff noted that his blood sugar was too low and started the process to raise it. Their efforts did not improve the situation and within 5 hours of delivery we were transferred from our small town hospital to a more technologically advanced Neonatal Intensive Care Unit about an hour south of us. Little did we know the events that were to come.


Because my boy was in the care of a NICU with 24hour monitors and high ratio of staff to patient it was noted that he started to have seizures. In fact, the seizures became continuous to the point that he would stop breathing and require resuscitation. This is only day two of his life. Before this day was over, my son was intubated onto a full time respirator and we were being transferred to The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto with no idea why the seizures were happening or if they could get them under control. More seriously, would our son ever breath on his own again. We had only held him for a short time after his birth and I had not been able to nurse him yet.

When we arrived at SickKids hospital, we were presented with the some of the initial test results and physical assessments. They did not know why the seizures were occurring. They did not know why this baby boy would not breath on his own. They only knew that we should be prepared for the possibility of having to say 'goodbye' to our boy after only saying 'hello' a few short hours before.

This isn't how it is supposed to happen. Not only did I start sending desperate cries to God, I had so many questions as to 'why' He would allow this to happen to my family. While I am questioning Him, I'm also trying to answer my 10 year old daughter's questions that are the same as mine. 'Why, Lord, why?' I didn't have an answer for her. All we could do was cry together as a family...and wait.

I was drawn to the book of Job - here was a man who had suffered much and maintained his faith:

What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? Job 2:10b

Though he slay me, yet will I trust him: Job 13:15

Obviously, I wanted a positive ending to our trauma. I did not want to share in Job's strengths by losing my child. I did not want to say goodbye.

(more to come as I am able to write it)

A Tragic Lesson to Learn

As I just posted, we have been away on our annual camping trip with friends. Prior to leaving, Duck had to arrange for a 'hamster-sitter' for the week. Taking care of a hamster isn't hard so it was easy finding someone who would take him. The two days before we left (Thursday and Friday), both my husband and I were working the night shift so Duck was sleeping over at a friend's house. Her job on Thursday was to give the hamster cage a thorough cleaning so that the sitter didn't have to worry about it. She completed the task and we all left the house for the night.

About mid-afternoon Friday, as Duck is getting the hamster and his accoutrements ready to be delivered I get this mournful cry from her room "MOM!". Now hamsters only live 1-2 years, and Teddy Bear is over the annual mark. So right away I think she has found his little body without signs of life. Automatically I start rehearsing 'the speech' in my head about life and death. However, when I arrive at her sobbing side and she regains enough control to talk, I find out the hamster is not dead. The hamster is missing. When she had cleaned the cage the day before, she had left a door open.

Keep in mind that we had been out of the house all night. The hamster had the run of the house, along with the dog.

A frantic search began, without a lot of hope. When I could get away without too many questions, I went out to check dog poop. Yes, I checked dog poop. No fur or bones, that was a good sign. The dog was not showing signs of indigestion either. Also a good sign.

After almost an hour of fruitless searching, I sat down with Duck for a hard talk. The hamster was likely gone for good. Even if he was still alive in the house, he was curled up somewhere sleeping at this time of day. Then we talked about the error she had made by leaving the door open. Duck has been in a phase of life lately that has shown a lack of diligence. This situation was bringing that fact out to the forefront. A very hard lesson to learn.

We set out traps for the hamster that night, as we were all out of the house again. A hamster trap is the use of deep pots or buckets with a ramp for the hamster to get into the pot, but not be able to get out - fill the pot with food and a water dish to lure him into the trap.

Saturday morning...no hamster. We were leaving at noon for the camping trip. More tears. Duck was in her room crying out to the Lord (a blessing to hear even during this hard lesson). She wasn't just asking for Him to bring back the hamster, she was asking Him to help her learn greater diligence and gave thanks for having the hamster in the first place. Sigh! If I could have pulled a hamster out of thin air for her at that point, I would have done it. But God knew best.

As we were packing the car, our downstairs neighbour happen to be outside and I mentioned that Duck's hamster may find his way down to his apartment. I wasn't telling him so he could set out traps or anything - there is a dog and a cat in the downstairs apartment. I just wanted him to know where it came from if he did find a body. We did leave the traps out in our place with extra food and water. The final signs of hope for a return.

We left for camping and all the kids from our friend's family were told of the tragedy - and asked not make fun of it. Duck was really hurting when the topic came up. However, as hours and days past, she talked little about it and had fun on her trip.

Nine days later, we arrive home and find empty traps.

'OK, Ducky. It's time to clean up the traps and say goodbye to Teddy Bear for good.' Teary eyes, but no sobbing anymore.

We are still unloading and unpacking when there is a knock at the door. The downstairs neighbour knocks on the door. He smiles as he holds out a large spaghetti pot,

"I thought you would like to try some of the sauce I made this week"

Now, I like my neighbour well enough, but we do not have the kind of relationship where we share recipes. I look in the pot and there is Teddy Bear. Dirty with a funny blue colour to his head fur, but it is Teddy Bear. The neighbour found him the day after we left for camping and had been taking care of him all week. I thanked him profusely! And took the pot.

When Duck looked into the pot, the tears returned. Happy ones this time.

It is a minor miracle that this animal is now back in his cage (and he was happy to be back!). We don't know where the blue colour on his head came from and he has spent several days cleaning himself, but the lesson learned in all this is irreplaceable.

Maybe my emotional side wanted to solve the problem for Duck by just giving back the hamster (I even thought about buying a new one that looked the same and slipping into the traps). But God knew where the hamster was all along and what His plans were for the whole event. Just as scripture talks about His care of the sparrows, He cared for this hamster, too. All for helping a little girl grow in her faith and in her fruits of the Spirit. Duck is actively working on her diligence.

My faith has been increased, too. Nothing like a reminder from God, Himself to trust Him in all things. Even if the hamster had never returned, we would have studied how He takes care of all His creatures. Now we can study it with a Teddy Bear curled up in his little cage.

Losing It

During my fifteen+ years nursing, ninety percent of my clients have fit into the demented realm. Not all nurses like to work with seniors suffering from varying degrees of dementia, but it is a preferred area of service for me - I feel like I fit in well. Not to make light of the seriousness of the disease process, it can be devastating for family members to watch their parents or other loved ones go through the changes - BUT, the senior generally does not suffer the same way. Alot of the time, the senior is quite content in a state of confusion - we use that statement in documentation, 'pleasantly confused'.

I have often told my husband that I planned on having dementia by the time I was 40years old. Well...that benchmark passed by a couple of weeks back and I'm starting to see the signs. So is my family - and I thought I was just joking!


For years I warned him that he would need to keep track of my activities for me - in case I got lost, or forgot what I was supposed to be doing. We would smile at our little joke. Well, no joke. Lately I keep losing my train of thought, not to mention pretty much any article that was in my hand a minute ago! Most definately pleasantly confused. I just wrote it off to being on summer vacation and not having a regular routine - it would be fine as soon as school started again.


Then, several weeks ago...I lost a twenty dollar bill (TWENTY DOLLARS!). I spent hours freaking out about it - days, really. For someone like me who is so cheap about spending money, losing it was horrible! (BTW, I still haven't actually confessed this to my husband - he'll read it for the first time right here)


I do know how it happened. The bill (TWENTY DOLLARS!)was in my hand while I was driving - because I was going to the store to use it. I got into the store and realized it was not in my hand anymore (did I mention it was TWENTY DOLLLARS!). I tried to give it over to the Lord. I prayed, "OK, Lord. It's your money anyway so you must have plans for it. Right?"


Over and over again I told myself that it really was God's money - as I frantically searched the car and my pockets for the bill (TWENTY DOLLARS!). Finally, I had to admit that it was gone for good. This is where I would like to say I took hold of peace about it. Nope.


I fretted inside my head constantly after that day. Every time the price of something was close to twenty dollars it would remind me of my dementia moment (TWENTY DOLLARS!). Then the Lord hammered my head with the very fact that I had been trying to grasp all along - He was in charge of the money. How did He show me? Read on...


On one of our camping trips we intended on visiting the Canadian Canoe Museum. It was the only planned stop in-town for this particular trip. We arrived and the admission price list was laughing at me with a family rate of, you guessed it, twenty dollars. The doubts and self-centred thoughts were raging in my head again. We entered the museum and the hostess at the door came over and whispered to us:


"We have a guest speaker here right now for the Liberal Party of Canada, so the you can't enter one part of the museum right now. Don't worry, you can still come in - but admission is free because of the speaker."


There was the twenty dollars back into our family funds. Just like that. I could have laughed out loud at the wonderful grace He was showing me. It was grace simply because He didn't have to show me - it is all His money. I mean, really, I'm not even a Liberal!


So there you have it. Maybe I am entering into dementia or maybe this was another way for God to show me who is in control of everything - even a twenty dollar bill. Sooner or later I hope to learn this lesson for good!

Staying Out of His Way

It isn't easy being a woman.

There was a time when that meant alot of wordly issues to me. Raised by a feminist, I believed that I, as a woman, would never be given a fair chance. That I would have to work twice as hard, and achieve twice as much to be given half the 'success' that my male counterparts would experience. To say that I bought into it hook, line and sinker would be an exaggeration; but, I believed that I alone would have to make things happen for a happy, successful life. What I gleaned from the feminist mantra was that I could trust no one, depend on no one and expect nothing from those around me. I - was - it. Hence the makings of a control freak.

Even after I was saved, my need for control was immense. This is not to say I didn't confess a recognition of God as soveriegn - I just wanted to keep that soveriegnty in a little box. Even my husband suffered through the times when I 'knew' I was right and everybody else was wrong. For instance if my husband was working outside of God's will, I took the opportunity to teach him my opinion(how many times have I seen other women doing the same thing with their husbands!). We, as women, need to learn to get out of God's way to see His power in our lives. After many years, I think I finally get it. John the Baptist helped me with this little tidbit:

He must increase, and I must decrease. John 3:30

So the wisdom I follow now is much, much different - but it is still a struggle for me to ignore my old teachings. Although I am not a biblical scholar by any stretch of the imagination, my Lord is patiently showing me truth.

And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness of God by faith; Philippians 3:9

How can I claim any kind of growth in my faith by trying to do it myself. My faith came from God and only He can cause it to grow - if I get out of the way and watch Him work!

That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Ephesian 4:22-24

I picture this in simple terms. When Christ came into my heart, he only needed to have a crack in the door to enter. As I grow in my faith and understanding of how to give Him my 'all', I need to throw open the door and step out of the way. If anyone around me is outside of God's will, I can encourage them to turn back, I can even lead by example if it is a peer, but I can't change them. Trust me, nagging and manipulating may get the outcome we as women desire, but it doesn't lead anyone to the Lord. I have learned that the best way to allow God to do the work, is to shut my mouth and concentrate on my own walk of faith. Try it, I recommend this technique highly! The results are nothing short of miraculous.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHTEOUS IN GOD'S EYES, but Christ can through me - through any Christian. All we need to do is stay out of his way.

The Perfect Marriage

Recently, I have enjoyed reading some posts about building up our marriages. Of course, from a wife's perspective it is mostly about how to build up our husbands. These types of conversations have occurred among ladies' groups many times, both face-to-face and online. Without fail, at least one woman will claim martyrdom in her marriage. She will claim that she works hard at her marriage and prays unceasingly for her husband, but that God is not listening to her prayers; that nothing she has ever done has affected a long-lasting positive change in her lazy, unloving or real jerk of a husband. She will then claim that most wives don't understand her situation because they must be married to men who hold up their end of the biblical marriage.

What a load of manure!

(Now God has been showing me to hold my sarcasm and derogatory tones to myself, but this is one area that really tests my resolve to use 'soft answers'. Today as I write, some of my disdain for these 'martyrs' may leak out - for that, I apologize)

Most of the time I just stare blankly at these women while they attempt to convince me that God's plan is not working in their marriage. Generally they end up telling me (and other wives) that we likely can't understand their situation because of our perfect marriages.

Could someone please hand me a shovel, it's time to remove a few layers of crap and share some truth.

There was nothing perfect about my husband and I when we married - there's nothing perfect now. There have been countless times when one or both of us has openly refused to yield to God's plan for our marriage and we have paid the price for it with hurt feelings and lost time as "heirs together in the grace of life". Since this is my blog, I'll share an example of when my husband was being a complete jerk - I'll share a jerk story about me some other time ;o)
This occasion occurred when I was thoroughly examining my role as a wife. The Lord was showing me that my attempts to persuade or manipulate changes in my husband were futile - that only He could change him, if it were His will. We had been through a particularly nasty set of arguments over several weeks, so I put my hands up and said, "OK, God. I'll give him over to you and concentrate on how I should be acting."

And, I did. And it got worse - or at least, it felt like it was worse because I had to bite my tongue each time I believed my husband was baiting me or insulting me. Looking back, of course, I know Satan was giving me every opportunity to ignore God's advice - he never wants God's people to succeed and grow!

One particularly bad day I came home from work (still working full time) and my husband had been home with Duck all day. The house was a royal mess. I had had a long day at work. Not exactly a situation that made me want to love and honour my husband! But I determined to follow my deal with God. I smiled and made supper. Helped Duck to bed. Headed for the kitchen to clean. My husband headed to the couch and TV. Grrrr!

THEN, as I was elbow deep in the second load of dishes, my husband wanders into the kitchen, pours himself a pop and on the way out of the room tosses this comment over his shoulder.
"Dog needs water."

There are only a few time in my life where I have been angry enough to do physical damage. This was one.

I held onto the sink so hard my knuckles were white. God, Himself must have been holding my feet, because my husband is still alive today. Through gritted teeth (not exactly a submissive spirit) I prayed. For both of us. And God was gracious to give me peace about the situation. Again, I determined to work on my role as wife and leave my husband to God. I finished the kitchen and joined him to watch the news.

The little battles within myself continued but I did see glimpses of change in my marriage. Any positive events were held in my heart like gold! These golden moments were a treasure but they left me unconvinced that there was real change happening in my husband. Pessimism is a terrible waste of energy!

On a sunny Sunday we returned home from church and my husband was in foul mood. He changed his clothes and announced that he was taking the dog for a walk. Apparently there were spiritual battles happening in his mind because he unceremoniously stated, "I'm not going back to church tonight" and walked out the door.

"Why isn't daddy going to church, mommy?"
"I don't know, babe."
"Is daddy mad?"
"I don't know, sweetie. Let him talk to God for awhile." That was what I told myself, too. Again.

Duck was napping when my husband returned. He had taken the dog to walk at the river park across the road. The park area is on the other side of the river and there are boat locks that provide a walkway over the water. When no boats are travelling through, the walkway splits in two to let the boats through (kind of like french doors). He had been gone a long time, but even if I looked over, I wouldn't expect to see him on the other side.

He came home with a testimony of how God had been working on his life and heart.

I was all ears!

He admitted he had been acting selfishly and had, at times, been deliberately antagonizing. He confessed of his refusal to except responsibilities as leader in the family and co-participant in our marriage. Basically, his testimony was how he had been living with an its-all-about-me attitude and God had been making a change in that.

You see, he was telling this testimony as he was dripping wet.

He had left the house clouded in selfishness and bitterness. So much self involved he didn't look to see if the walkway of the locks was closed. While walking across the first half of the walkway, he was calling for the dog, who had run down the riverbank. The dog turned to follow. My husband turned just in time to see his next step into mid-air. There was no stopping.

SPLASH!

Coming up for air, he looked up to the walkway to see our dog looking down and smiling at him. He says he knew it was God telling him to snap out of it - that it wasn't all-about-him.

That, ladies, is better than any resolution or approach any wife could manage. That, my friends, built my faith that God listens and participates in our lives.

I gave thanks that day (and repeatedly since) that, not only did God hear my prayers, but He was gracious to show me that He had heard me! I gave thanks that He cares for me in my role as a wife, as well as His daughter. I gave thanks that His plan for marriage is the best and only way to strive for perfection.

There have been times since then that I have tried to 'fix' my husband and each time God reminds me that that is His job. And, I give thanks again. Because nothing I could ever do would ever be as effective (and satisfying) as throwing my husband in a river!

What's the point of this story?

Father, teach me to be the woman You would have me to be regardless of the situations that may surround me. Open my eyes to be the wife my husband needs and remind me often that You will provide the husband I need. Amen

But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughter ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers by not hindered.

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:

Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

1Peter :4-9 (emphasis mine)

Was It a Loss?

In my post about my dad, I made a quick comment about how my mother and the majority of the extended family want nothing to do with me and my immediate family. It is a disconnection that resulted from our decision to live for Christ in an open way - which, in turn, offended the very non-christian, feminist values of my mother. Mrs. Parunak commented on that post that this must have been a high price for our faith. That got me thinking about where we were before with the extended family and where we are now.

For several years after my husband and I started attending church regularly, my extended family and I tolerated each others differing opinions. However, as I mentioned in the original post having a different opinion from the matriarchal authorities of my extended family is not something that happens. Ever. So maintaining the relationship for those years was a great strain on my marriage - because, of course, it was all my husband's fault. Or so the line goes from the matriarchs.

Each visit 'down home' never failed to present snide remarks about our growing beliefs/convictions. This made for tiring vacations and some quarreling between my husband and I. But we continued the relationships under the guise of 'these people are family'. This was all before my daughter was born. Once a grandchild was added to the mix, the pressure to conform to the wishes of the grandparents became even stronger (I exclude my father from the pressure factor as he always was and continues to be very supportive in our parental rights).

As the pressure grew, so did the quarrelling within my marriage. We both felt the sense of 'duty' to our extended families - looking back we can see it was more a sense of guilt if we did not measure up to expectations.

As I said, once my daughter arrived the matriarchs wanted to be directly involved in how she was raised. Obviously their feminist views did not mix well with our biblical view and their comments and criticisms became more and more overt. Again, it must be my husband's fault; or maybe it was the church's fault. I must be under the influence of some strong brainwashing to veer away from the liberal, feminist facts-of-life!

If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.

If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. John 15: 18 & 19

When it all came to a head one day in my home that was the storyline the matriarchs were selling - I was involved in a cult and being brainwashed into subjugating myself and my daughter. Let me assure you, once I was labelled with that doozy of a label nothing I said mattered. As far as they were concerned, I was no longer thinking or speaking for myself. Ironically, this was the first time in my life that I really was thinking and speaking for myself. I had been released from the indoctrination of liberalism and feminism and was finally looking at life through clear eyes.

However, no amount of conversation could dissuade my mother from trying to 'save' me and my daughter from the cult and from my husband. On the day of my daughter's third birthday, children's services showed up at the door. We had been accused of being emotionally and physically abusive to Duck. Emotionally abusive because we were teaching from a biblical standpoint and therefore subjugating her. The physical abuse accusation was based on spanking - a discipline that was used by both sets of grandparents in their parental years.

The idea that she was trying to save me was the story for the rest of the family and for the social worker. This ploy was nothing more than a strong-arm attempt to control my family. It failed miserably for her.

The long and drawn out investigation included dozens of people supporting us - doctors, policemen and even a paramedic who knew us wrote complimentary letters about the care my daughter received from us. Neighbours and church members came forward and clearly denied the accusations. However, when it comes to children's services you are guilty until proven innocent and the next several weeks were terrible with the knowledge that in this country that is drowning in socialism, the government agency could take our daughter anytime they wanted without ever giving a explanation.

The failure for my mother came at the end of the investigation when we received a letter stating clearly that there had been no evidence of abuse to continue the case. With that nonsense behind us, we were convinced that it was best not to include the offending parties in the life of our daughter again. We did so based on practical bible study, particularly these sections:

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousnous with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lrod, and touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you,

and will be a Father unto you and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty. 2 Corinthians 6:14 - 18

And have no fellowhsip with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:11

There was no way to ignore the unfruitful works of darkness in the heavy hand of the matriarchs. In the end, we could not justify a relationship that could endanger our marriage, our daughter and even our faith. Can we call this a loss? No.

Since the extended family has been removed from our path, we have grown spiritually and our marriage has been relieved of the quarrelling that once came with travelling home. My father and his wife continue to support us even if they don't hold to our convictions or faith. But our eyes are wide open now to the dangers of a relationship with non-believers. We are more careful to 'lead a quiet and peaceable life' (1 Timothy 2:2) while still following our convictions.

Do we expect that we will never be persecuted again? Well, I have to say that is my prayer, as selfish as it may be - but in the end, we hope our situation is one that glorifies God. Maybe one day, another christian will be placed in this same situation and we will be there to share our story and support.

Yea, doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, Phillipians 3:8

If Only...

(another one from the archives...)

If only I had paid more attention to my health when I was younger, I wouldn't be carrying 40lbs more than I should be;

If only I had learned about money management 20 years ago, I wouldn't be digging my way out of debt at middle age;

If only I had been raised in a Christian home, I wouldn't spend so much time re-training my feminist, selfish upbringing;

If only I had married at a younger age, the mystery of why my body will not produce more children would never have been an issue;

If only my husband and I had taken advantage of the years of good, double incomes, we would have our own home by now;

If only my mother had been a Christian woman, I could have sought out the means to a home business long ago;


If only I didn't have to work part time outside the home, I could spend more viable time raising my daughter in the view of Proverbs 31;

If only I spent more time concentrating on verses like this -

And we know that all things works together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

- I wouldn't waste so much time on the selfish thoughts mentioned and spend more time in gratitude.

Thank you Lord for taking hold of my heart when you did because you didn't have to do it. Thank you for giving me a husband who has grown to eagerly seek your will for his leadership in our family; for my beautiful daughter who daily shows me how to love and trust you wholeheartedly without reservation - as a child. Thank you Lord for the tremendous blessings of learning to live the simple life; for feelings of joy with each step I take climbing to a debt free life; for the love of a man who encourages me to seek to be the woman you would have me to be - and that my daughter can witness it. Thank you that your timing in my life is always perfect. Amen.

In the Beginning

I was rummaging through my craft box and came across an old treasure. I found the first testimony I ever presented. This was from the first time I had been asked to speak in front of a crowd about my personal walk with Christ - it was a ladies' conference. Even though I had been saved in my late teen years, there was so much I didn't learn until I became a member of my local church at 30 years old (BTW, it is important to every Christian's spiritual growth to find a local church that actually feeds them!).

Reading the old speech through was kind of neat, nostalgic and eye-opening to where I was in my walk with Christ back then (8 years ago) compared to now. I am very grateful that I can see growth in my understanding of His will in my life, as well as in my husband's life. So I thought I would reprint it here. Hopefully, everyone will enjoy it:

Hi. My name is Kim. My testimony today is to share with you some of the recent changes that have occurred in my life.

Let me start with some background. At 27 years old, I had achieved the position of head nurse of a nursing department of 20 staff. At 30 years old, after my daughter was born, I became Executive Director in charge of an 86 bed retirement facility with 50 staff members, 6 directors and managed a million and half dollar annual budget. I did this for four years - and LOVED IT! I was the BOSS, the HEAD HONCHO, and the QUEEN OF THE CASTLE!

I loved the problem solving, the labour negotiations, the delegating of authority, the whole ORGANIZATION of everything! The POWER.


I was good at it, too. And I was paid very well for my performance. SO well, infact, that I couldn't imagine going into anything else.


I got very comfortable, even sedentary. I was a Christian, all right...on the weekend. Because this lifestyle was so comfortable, I wasn't looking for changes.

The problem that kept coming up was whenever I looked into God's word and how it applied to my life, the more uncomfortable it became to try and apply it to my life. There wasn't a connection with the way I was living and the scripture I was reading. So...I stopped looking, or became annoyed with God for His unreasonable expectations of a woman in TODAY's world. I would read 1 Peter 3:1a 'Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands'...and skip ahead to Peter 3:6a 'Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord...'


Has God met my husband?


Doesn't the Lord realize that obedience is for those who need to be lead? That's not me!


As far as I was concerned, we had the perfect set up for our marriage, why would God want us to change it? I was a nurse...I was serving Him by being in charge of the care to all those vulnerable seniors, right? I was supporting my family and doing well enough that my husband could stay home and raise our daughter. Obviously it was His will because He had provided me with the job in the first place, right? Those were some of my arguments - I had many.


I tried staying away from His word, but in His gracious and loving way, He always pulled me back. And I started reading passages like:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22

This was a verse that was talking about God's way of family structure, and one of the first things that I noticed was He was talking to me. It doesn't talk to the husband here and say 'husbands, force your wives to be servants' - and that is how I had been viewing it. I began to see the difficulty in calling myself a Christian woman, if I couldn't submit or obey as the Lord wanted me to do. It wasn't about me being subjugated by someone else, it was about my willingness to obey the Lord and His authority structure.


Over several months I continued to study Ephesians 5 and read verse 23:

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.

I had no problem accepting Christ as the head of the church, but letting the man be in charge of the family? The old feminist training that I had as a kid kicked in - not just influence from family, but from school, too - young women should be equal. But now I began to see that this worldly training was directly in the way of my spiritual growth. I had been trained to feel it would be too degrading to simply let my husband be the head of the family. Would I be a lesser person if I obeyed this? Or more to the point, could I live with the decisions my husband would be in charge of making? Could I humble myself to give away the control?


Reading verses 24 & 25:

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

This is where I began to see that husbands were built for responsibilities. God didn't want women to have to bear the stresses of being the leader - of taking a man's role in the family or the workplace. So...why was it considered equality to take over the man's God-given role and still try and fit my role, too? It was a real conspiracy - men and women weren't equal with liberation, women were a little on the stupid side. Maybe I could do the job well, maybe I could even do it better than a man, but why try to keep doing it when it was making me miserable?


God continued to open my eyes as I read verses 26 - 29:

That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

This part really struck me. No only was I not fulfilling my role as wife and mother, but I was contributing to my husband not fulfilling his role. I wasn't letting him.


I still argued with God. 'My husband won't take charge' or 'my husband doesn't want to be in charge like this'. God's answer was always "LET ME SHOW YOU".


My denial over the need for change went on for a little over a year, and I became more miserable everyday that I went off to work, or every time my cell phone would ring during off hours. Fortunately, God was working on my husband at the same time so we could be miserable together.


We made excuses together, too

-we needed the money I was making
-I was good at my job
-I wasn't capable of obeying


Again, He said, "LET ME SHOW YOU"


Step by step, and day by day He made it harder for me to stay in my lifestyle. He gave me a hunger to grow spiritually and set up a certain circumstances where I could no longer deny that He wanted me to become a real Christian woman - not a worldly Christian woman. I had been keeping one foot in the world and giving Him what was leftover. It was so hard to be the boss all day and then come home and let my husband be the head of the family.


One day a situation arose that was the final blow to my career. It was a situation that was mandated from head office that I completely disagreed with - but couldn't change it or fix it. How appropriate that He took the power away from me in the very place I was trying to hold onto it. That was a Friday - I emailed my resignation on the Monday.


As of June 30, 2004, I was unemployed for the first time since I was thirteen.


In the past year, God has shown His faithfulness to me and my family over and over again. My husband's employment brings in less than half the income my job produced - but we haven't been in need of anything. I have been the cook in the family and no one has died.


I have come to revel in my role as wife and moter. The skills that I have for organizing have just been modified for the the household instead of a business. I have been able to show my daughter that obedience to the Lord is more important than following what the world says is right, acceptable or even necessary. I am proud to be what I used to look down upon - a housewife.


Psalm 119:65-72 has come to teach me that there is peace in wisdom (looking at life through God's eyes) and in trusting Him.

Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.

Now, I am not perfect in my spiritual growth. Not by and means. I still have alot of difficulty in NOT directing my husband. I think I will always struggle with obeying.

I will end with this thought - I am often reminded of when I have had to train many of the large dogs I have had in my life. Sometimes it is necessary to pin the animal to the floor to teach the need to obey...God sits on me regularly.

Sometimes the book is the cover...

I've taken some time to refresh myself lately. For those of you who read here regularly, you probably know I have been struggling with a certain issue (read about it here).

The young lady mentioned in the earlier post has officially given herself over to lasciviousness. She and the young man/boy are openly dating; and missing church :o(

The other night we hosted another Y.A.C.C. Bible study and they arrived together. Other than to display their relationship, I can't see any reason why they were there. This young man/boy has come to studies previously and his ignorance to God's will for his life has been plain. Now the young woman chooses to giggle and joke around with him rather than participate.


I still look at the man/boy and ponder why God allows him to be present in our church. He dresses disrespectfully (ripped jeans worn low enough to show off his underwear, t-shirts and hoodies, unshaven, toques - that's knit skull caps for the American readers) for Sunday services. He doesn't sing along with the hymns or open a Bible and never, ever serves. This is a book cover that does tell the whole story.


Many others have commented how he only comes to church for the young lady. I have to disagree because this implies that he cares for her. On the contrary, I believe he comes for how the young lady makes him feel. If he cared for the young lady, he would want to be a better man. This is a self serving situation.


These have been the thoughts that have taken me over lately. I knew I had to resolve it in my heart with God. I wanted to shake this girl; to lock her up until the man/boy moves his attentions elsewhere. I wanted to wait in the parking lot one day and and beat the man/boy senseless - or at least until he agreed never to return.


As I have prayed and studied, the Lord brought me to a conversation Peter had with Jesus (John 21). Peter wanted justice to be done to Judas Iscariot for his treasonous choices - I can totally empathize!

Jesus sayeth unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me. (vs. 22)

Oh. Okay, Lord.


So this is where I eat my own words from the Ruby Club Bible studies.

Do I believe what God is saying.

Yes.

Do I care to listen?

Yes.

Do I trust that He is soveriegn over all?

Yes.


I am thankful for an answer to prayer, even though it wasn't the answer I thought I wanted. I am thankful for the peace it has brought me. I am thankful for God's patience with me when I forget His peace is always there for me - I just have to take hold of it.

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.

Psalm 62:5

Year End Summary

As Mary posted on last week's Show and Tell, testimonies should be easy to pull together when we are asked to do so. Generally, every Sunday evening our church has a personal testimony by someone - this past Sunday was my turn. I thought I would share the Top Ten list here:


Things I have learned (or am learning)...


#10. ...that my little blonde shadow (the Duck) recycles what she sees in me and sometimes it is really ugly! When I look at Matthew 19: 13 & 14, when Jesus is scolding the disciples for keeping the children away from him, I can't help but recognize that some of my sin can be passed onto my daughter and keep her from following Jesus freely. When I see my sarcasm or my bitter voice or my scowling look come from Duck - it breaks my heart to know that I put it there and I pray for my own self control for these areas;


#9. ...how much damage the feminist philosophy has done in my life. I continue to learn that there is so much more contentment in God's way, James 3: 17 & 18;


#8. ...that I am never going to run out of things my life that need change, Ephesians 4:28 (let her that nagged, nag no more - let her that criticized, criticize no more - let her that manipulated, manipulate no more - etc.)


#7. ...that the more I seek to change my life in ways that are made obvious to me in scripture, the more some people will disdain me, John 15: 18 & 19. There is another nurse that I work with who takes every opportunity to express her opinion of SAHMs whenever I am within ear shot. Specifically, "anyone who is employed should make themselves available to work at all times - to h*#! with your families". Yes, you read that right.


#6. ...that everywhere I go, I am being watched. The other end of the spectrum when I work outside the home is that some staff members are genuinely curious about the choices I have made for life. One woman (non-Christian), who is my partner at work 80% of the time will shoot odd questions at me, at odd times. One day out of the blue, she asked me "do you ever swear?" (nurses are worse than sailors). Another day, she started a conversation with, "so, I've started reading the Bible...", and has had several questions about the scriptures since that time. Thankfully, I have been able to answer her questions about scripture or with scripture, 1 Peter 3:15.


#5. ...that chocolate is not the answer to everything...a very sad revelation. When I read 1 Corinthians 10:31, I cannot honestly say that I eat for His glory. In fact, most of the time, I eat strictly for my own pleasure. Because of that choice, I wear my sin in the form of too much weight.


#4. ...that making my grocery list during Sunday morning sermon is probably not the best use of time. I have been examining how I spend my time each day and looking for areas for improvement, i.e. do I need to use the computer everyday?, what time do I need to start my day?, is Duck getting my full attention during school?, etc. Ephesians 5:16


#3. ...to talk less and listen more, EVEN WHEN I KNOW I'M RIGHT! That challenge is the strongest when applied to conversations with my husband - but I believe the Lord has held my tongue for me many times. Ephesian 4:29; Proverbs 10:19 - which leads into the next one.


#2. ...to let my husband make his own decisions. He may have things to learn, too, but he doesn't need me as his teacher. Proverbs 31 talks about a man who can "safely trust" in his wife. That means he can tell her his thoughts and plans and decisions without fear of criticism or complaints - I want my husband to have this security in me.
If we look at the qualifications of bishops and deacons in 1 Timothy 3, it can't be ignored that the wife's behaviour is also noted - why? Because if a man is going to be strong leader, his wife has to stay out of the way.


1. ...that I can open my bubble, even though I will be disappointed or hurt by those I let into my world. What brings me to this conclusion? John 14:27 and Psalms 62:5.

And how was your year?

What Was I Thinking?

When I was making the transition from full time, oustide-the-home employment to being full time in the home, I had some strange thinking patterns.

a) I used to think it would be great to sleep in whenever I wanted. Now when I do choose to sleep past 8:30 a.m., I pay for it all day long playing catch up,

b) I used to think, "what will I do with all my time?". Now I look at the clock at 3 p.m. and wonder where the time went,

c) I used to think my husband would never be able to handle all the responsibilities afforded to him as the head of the house. Now I praise him for his accomplishment and give thanks that he is willing and capable to do it,

d) I used to think that boredom would be a problem for me as a SAHM. Now I covet moments where I can 'do nothing', even for a few minutes.

e) I used to think I would appreciate still having a part time job outside of the home to get away. Now I find any amount of time spent working outside of my home is inconvenient and interfers with the routine and organization of my home,

f) I used to think that my executive experience would lead me to be efficient, organized and on top of all my home and school plans. Now I know I can't treat my husband and daughter like my employees and I need to be more flexible with my plans,

g) I used to think that 'housewives' must have limited intelligence. Now I struggle with fixing kitchen appliances, grade 4 math, and cooking a turkey safely - never mind remembering to get the garbage out to the curb on time,

h) I used to think I had everything figured out to be a success as a SAHM. Now I know I will never know it all, there will always be something more to learn and improve on within myself.

i) I used to think that if being a SAHM became unbearable, I always had a career to fall back on. Now I know my life as a SAHM will be what I make out of it - and I take that challenge to build my home very seriously.

For those who are just coming home full time, or those who have been there for awhile, I hope you share in the desire to persevere, to learn and to grow as wives, moms and women.

So teach us to number our days that we may present to Thee a heart of wisdom.

Proverbs 90:12

Practice Makes Perfect

Twenty years ago I could play the piano.

Yes, I took lessons and did accomplish a 4th grade diploma in the Royal Conservatory of Music (that's actually pretty high). Yes, I took part in recitals and dallied in a garage band. But, more than that, I could sit at the piano, look at a piece of music and play it after only a few minutes of study. My teachers always commented on my natural talent; fellow music students expressed their envy of my abilities.

Then I quit.

Just stopped playing the piano altogether. There were better things to do with my time than sitting at the keyboard (none of these better things fit into the category of godly pursuits - and that is the most detail I will put into that). But, I found no joy in the playing - it came too easy without a purpose. My vanity in the ease of playing led me to walk away.

Now, at 30-something, I am trying to teach my daughter to appreciate the natural talent she appears to have at the keyboard. Problem is, I can't just sit and play anymore. Now, with the obvious loss of a multitude of brain cells, I must sit and study and practice - and then study some more. I even became excited one day at a thrift shop because I found some Royal Conservatory of Music books, "Great! This will help me get back on the horse." Not quite that easy. Not easy at all.

How can something that was second nature to me then be so foreign to me now! The notes that my eyes recognize just won't come out of my fingers like they used to come out.

I started to think that this isn't just about age, although that does have something to do with it. More than that, it is about what I put my energy into. The things that come naturally to me are still things that I practice simply by repeatedly doing them. I played the piano everyday, sometimes several times a day. But this isn't just about playing an instument.

This can also be applied to behaviours. I can be pretty good at grumbling and complaining because I repeatedly did it over the years - practiced it we could say. In the book of Proverbs we can read about women who are brash, argumentative and just plain nasty and it reminds me of how easy it is to be that woman because I have practiced these traits over the years. Thankfully these days, because God has shown me my sin, I have seent the need to practice NOT grumbling and complaining and NOT being the nasty woman described in Proverbs. It is only with this practicing that I will ever be the Proverbs 31 woman - the Ruby.

As a closing note (no pun intended) the piano is coming, very slowly, with a lot of retraining. My husband has commented a few times about enjoying the hymns that are now recognizable.

So now, even with the hard work to re-learn this skill (or maybe because of the hard work), we have determined that our piano and the music that comes from it will be to His glory. I can no longer accomplish this skill in and of myself, now I can heartily give the glory to God for any and every achievement made at the keyboard. That is the only way to succeed in all areas of my life as a child of the King.

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.

Serve the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful singing.

Psalm 100: 1& 2

List of Thankfulness

Depending on where you visit from, you may not know that this is Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. As I spend my day getting my house ready for company tonight and for our family meal on Monday, these are the thoughts that came to my mind:

1. I am thankful for my sweetheart husband, who is the leader of this family and continues to grow in his leadership skill in Christ.

2. I am thankful that in that growing leadership we have the Young Adults Conforming to Christ (Y.A.C.C.) group that my husband leads and has invited for study tonight.

3. I am thankful for the bread machine that makes the pizza dough to feed YACC when they come.

4. I am thankful for the oven that has faithfully put out delicious pizza each time - even when the pizza slides off the pan onto the element and sets fire to my stove,

5. I am thankful for the oven cleaner that directs me to just spray the oven surface before I go to bed and simply wipe off the grime in the morning,

6. I am thankful for the entire bucket of rags that was needed to simply wipe off the grime,

7. I am thankful for the spatula I used to scrape, scratch and dig out the encrusted, burned remainers of the flaming pizza,

8. I am thankful for my kitchen floor, counter, backsplash, taps and cupboards that also needed to be cleaned after simply wiping off the grime of the oven racks,

9. I am thankful for my washing machine for the entire outfit that I was wearing and now needs to be soaked,

10. MOST OF ALL, I am thankful that my husband and daughter were out of the house while I dealt with the majority of this list this morning!

All kidding aside, I did need to focus on thankfulness during this little trial. It did make the task go faster and without frustration - well, without too much frustration. Now my kitchen is clean from the top down for all the cooking and baking that happens this weekend - for this I am thankful, as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Whose Watching?

Every spring there is a treasured item that is pulled out for use in the warm months. Each time I take it out I am reminded of an event that happened a few years ago where God taught me a lesson about patience - and how I, as a Christian, am being watched daily by those around me.

The item is what I call an 'old lady cart' (I apologize for the age-ism there, but that is what we call it, and I am the old lady that uses it) - a metal basket on wheels. I told my husband I wanted one when we moved into the city, because my daughter and I could walk anywhere downtown and just fill the basket as needed rather than carry bags. So, my loving husband got me one...from a ditch near his work (he's almost as cheap as I am!).

This 'old lady cart that my husband got for me from the ditch' was in pretty good shape, just a little rust here and there and I replaced the broken wheels with ones from an old dolly stroller (pink!). I was very happy with it and planned my first outing to the grocery store for later that week. My daughter and I headed downtown with my 'old lady cart that my husband got for me from the ditch' and we were moving at a really good clip. We filled the cart with groceries and headed for home.

It was a hot day, but we only lived about 20 minutes walk from the store and with my cart to hold the bags, we expected an easy run of it. Then something happened. One of the pink wheels on my 'old lady cart that my husband got for me from the ditch' started to wobbled. Then it fell off. No problem, I just shimmied it back on and planned to fix it better at home. Six feet later, it fell off again. And, again.

We hadn't gotten more than 1/2 a block from the store and it had taken us 15 minutes already. It was getting frustrating, and did I mention that this was a HOT August day? So, there I was, with my 'old lady that my husband got for me from the ditch', pushing the wheel back on every 6 feet sweating in the HOT August day. After almost 1/2 an hour, we reached the river in the middle of town and found a shaded area to sit and contemplate my situation.

We still had a good 4 blocks to go; the wheel was not going to stay on; we had about $40 of groceries to get home; it was HOT. First thought...forget the cost and throw the whole thing in the river - solves the problem and makes me feel sooooo good! No.

Second thought...find my husband and kill him for bringing home this cart in the first place - doesn't solve the problem, but still would make me feel better. No.

Last thing on my mind...look at my lovely daughter and recognize that I have a real opportunity to lead by example in a frustrating situation - solves the problem, teaches my daughter and glorifies God. Alright...I decided on this one. I said a little prayer...pretty much, 'okay, Lord, I need you to do this for me'.

I had a multi-tool in my purse, as always, and with much care I removed two of the metal strappings that were part of the main basket and reset them on the outside of the wheel spokes. This plan was the for the purpose of holding the wheels on the spokes so that even if they did wiggle to the end, they could not fall off (for those of you old enough to remember MacGyver, that's what I felt like).

Well, it worked! The wheels did continue to wiggle to the end of the spokes, but the metal strapping that had been snapped in place held them on. My 'old lady cart that my husband got for me from the ditch' rattled and shimmied all the way home. That wasn't the most satisfying part though. My daughter smiled and talked about the success all the way home, and when I gave the credit to God for getting the job done she said, "That's what I prayed for, mommy!" Couldn't you just burst!

So, whose watching you? Sometimes, we never know.

Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit;

but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

Matthew 7:17

Either make the tree good, and his fruit good; or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for a tree is known by his fruit.

Matthew 12:33

BTW, my husband did buy me a new, fancy version of the carry-all carts. But the original 'old lady cart that my husband got for me from the ditch' is still in use with it's pink wheels. It still shimmies and shakes, but has never lost a wheel again!

My Bubble

In my church we have a tradition for Sunday evening service, where someone will get up and give a personal testimony. Now, because it is Sunday evening, most of those in attendance are people who have been members for awhile(visitors usually come in the morning) - and we know each other pretty well. So when it was my turn to get up for a testimony the other week, I had to consider what I could say that everyone didn't already know about me. Fortunately, God has always pointed something out to me - just like the epiphany He gave this time.

Lots of people comment that they see me about town. They tell me they wave at me or honk, but I don't respond to them. That's because I don't see them - or anyone - when I'm out walking/driving/shopping. That's because I'm in my bubble; my own world of thoughts. I accomplish so much more in my day when I stay in my bubble and avoid all distractions. I like my bubble and it has served me well throughout my life. It is a comfortable place where I am content to live without letting anyone in.

But recently something happened to change my life in my bubble. My family had taken a vacation and when we returned home, several families from church were on their own vacations. This meant that there were several weeks where our common congregation was missing some of the commoners. This is where the epiphany comes in - I realized I missed these people! I actually looked for them to return. This was a revelation that my bubble had somehow developed a hole.

Now, I would not have chosen to open my bubble to others. I had no inclination to do this. Then during a Bible study, God showed me this verse:

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdedst thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not.

John 21:18

God had opened my bubble for me. He knew I needed to let some people in; He knows I need to step out occasionally to be effective in my witness, too. Just as He saved me without waiting for me to 'make a choice', He is changing me without waiting for me do it myself. Thankfully!

So, I ended my testimony by welcoming these people to my bubble. Then, my old self spoke up and clarified that this did not mean they could hug me. I am not a hugger - until He chooses to change that part anyway!